Wife selection: Choose the B Girl

http://swanklife.com/audio-podcast/sl-58-bachelor-pad-economics-with-aaron-clarey/

Generally good advice, but consider the source. A man who doesn’t want to marry himself, let alone is enjoying a happy marriage. Plus, he speaks from the male perspective to other males.

It sounds like settling, if you feel you’re settling before the marriage, that grows into resentment afterward. The research shows happy marriages begin with idealization (and not living together first) and this grows within the marriage into a tolerance of faults. You must find someone who doesn’t expect perfection (impossible) but still tries (goes for both sexes). It’s hard in a Western society of convenience e.g. Wife isn’t doing it for me anymore? Find new wife! ~ DON’T DATE NOVELTY DUDE. Select the ones with a longer aim to match the expectation of a long commitment (where you give up certain things like novelty in exchange for the benefits of marriage).

Judging by appearance is the easiest to make, so I can’t fault choosing it as a starting point. However, the B girls simply have their value as a person distributed differently, and they aren’t inferior to the A Girls. He’s using a dating metric (short term strategy) in place of a courting one (long term). Nor does this explain how assortative mating means successful marriages are often of equals (by overall value) or one party eventually feels they’re being screwed and leaves so one (man) must consider his own value and building that up and sustaining it (he earlier mentioned the former but not the latter, since he never intends to marry himself).

The main question is: What sort of parent to my children would this person make?

Bluntly, if you’ll never have children, you never need to get married. It is a non-issue.

Many positive attributes in either sex are mutually exclusive. Life is a series of trade-offs. Instead of going after what you think you want, instead look at what you feel you need. Look at your past, your background and what you envision and write down the commonalities of what really made you happy. Bare minimum, it isn’t a personal essay of your value as a person. Make a Wife list (needs to have/be, vs. wants). You’d be surprised by how little you actually need, instead of the default entitlement mode of our culture that looks to Impossible Ideal As Shown on TV. Dating research has shown people’s self-reports mismatch to what they actually pick. You don’t know yourself, you have to look. You don’t want a practice marriage.

Essentially, you want to get past one another’s quality filters. That’s the biggest hurdle and the first. The love grows from that basic mutual standard (which, according to the research, should include filtering for similar politics and parenting styles, and similar abilities with money because most arguments are caused by it).  Try to see how you cope in stressful situations, the common advice to go on road trips is a stress test for the ultimate of children. If you can make it past the teens when they’re no longer children and you owe them little, your marriage will be fine. Your marriage needs to provide a teaching function to your children, as they will base their own relationships on its success or failure. Most arguments need to be had in front of the children so they can learn how to resolve conflicts. They note what you do, not what you tell them. Many commitment-phobes have divorced parents. They’re scared and haven’t learned the skills to keep a marriage (or even LTR) going. Both parties going into a marriage need to learn they have mutual responsibilities, for less obvious stuff like maintaining their own health (i.e. a healthy weight range excepting pregnancy or illness) or intimacy (i.e. emotional, men have an obligation too, some of the biggest failures in divorce stats seem to think they can stop trying when the ring’s on and treat their wives like a secretary instead of the closest person in their lives, don’t be that guy).

n.b. Never choose A girl to marry because everyone will age. You will age, she will age, and you’ll hate each other. Ask: Would I love this person when we’re both really ugly?

Essentially, neither sex should marry someone who peaked early. Never. They’ve ruined themselves on a glut of praise and arrogance that it would last forever. Peak doesn’t equal The Wall. It’s the best year of their life until now. If it was 19 or earlier, RUN.

For more info on LT life planning, I also recommend 30 is not the new 20.

1. Be civil. 2. Be logical or fair. 3. Do not bore me.

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