A lot of men don’t realize that rapists often get a Yes on something else (foot in the door technique) then act like it means something else after the fact.
Just look at prison rape. You accept a free muffin at lunch, you’re later told you agreed to be their bed buddy.
That’s a male example of sexual coercion and men are rightfully terrified of it.
Coercion vitiates consent. It’s in the law, on the legal books.
“You’re my wife/girlfriend, you are supposed to be having sex with me.”
A girlfriend owes you nothing.
A wife owes you something, but not constantly like a servant.
Many cultures teach us that sex is an inherent part of marriage. Many people take that a step further, and believe that being in a romantic relationship with someone makes you entitled to have sex with them.
They don’t believe that. Believing something doesn’t make it so. They’re lying to blackmail that person.
“You owe me” isn’t a belief.
The problem with that skewed thinking is that it leads some people to act as if taking on the label of “wife,” “girlfriend,” or “partner” suddenly makes your body their property.
I guess this relates to the idea of owning one another, which is true in a spiritual sense with spouses but doesn’t extend to constant entitlement, it relates to the idea that men always have to be up for it like robots and projects it onto the woman as her fault if he isn’t.
Unless you’re Catholic and never use contraception, it has nothing to do with Go forth and multiply, and has nothing to do with Christian duty. Prior to any duty, you should know what you’re agreeing to.
“If you don’t have sex with me, I’m breaking up with you.”
“If you don’t sleep with me, I’m going to sleep with someone else.”
“If you don’t sleep with me, I’m going to tell everyone you are a prude.”
In those cases it’s more obvious that nobody should be sleeping with them because they’re immature.
If Mommy won’t let me have the toy, I’m gonna smash it.
If they don’t respect your No, they don’t respect you or your body. Leave immediately. Run, don’t walk.
Logically, they shouldn’t respect a Yes either, if they doubt your ability to consent. Think about it.
What’s the subtextual thought process here?
You’re not allowed to say No to me.
ding ding crazy
Blackmail doesn’t apply to any agreement, including written contracts.
“If you really loved me, you would have sex with me.”
That isn’t love, that’s prostitution. A prostitute pays for things with sex.
“I wouldn’t have taken you out to dinner if I knew you were just leading me on. If you didn’t want to sleep with me, you shouldn’t have been flirting with me either.”
Again, (tends to be) male entitlement. Neither sex is owed sex.
That’s a non sequitur. If they didn’t want a date, they shouldn’t have asked for a date. That’s the real logic.
Don’t then complain that you thought (lie) it meant ‘something else’, like a ONS assuming it’s now a relationship. But that’s female entitlement, so they’d probably agree if the example isn’t close to home.
It is very easy for someone to try to ply you with alcohol as foreplay to a sexual encounter — because they know that if they can “relax” you enough, you may drop your resistance due to your impaired judgment, and agree to have sex. If your partner knows that you don’t want to have sex, and you find them repeatedly topping off your glass
that would be the point to tell them to go fuck themselves
If you find yourself saying yes to sex as a means to avoid harm, then there is no excuse for your partner’s behavior; please consider talking to someone and getting help.
The police, because sex is not a form of appeasement.
No seriously, many date rapists use these tactics because it gives them more plausible deniability in court later.
I once heard of a serial rapist who’d lure women to alleys threatening to hurt them while a friend played lookout then he forced them to say they wanted him before raping them. Eventually he got caught. Eventually.
The ‘game’ of getting the woman to agree is part of the sexual thrill, because they can take that choice away from her too.
A No doesn’t change into a Yes. That’s called nagging. The coercion thing isn’t widely known although rape by fraud is old as the hills, so the rapist also assumes they’re covered as long as she says the ‘Magic Word’ (until they’re in front of a judge).
There isn’t a magic word that makes rape OK. That’s kinda the point of rape, taking, as in taking away.
Date rapists are harder to catch because the women involved believe it was their fault and he isn’t like that with others (he is). So yes, report it. Others might not get away and you can do everything right and still get raped if they drug you (that’s why date rape is yes, actually, very real, and anyone who tries to argue otherwise is flagging as one of them).
Rapists fear healthy personal boundaries.
Update: I’ll throw this here.
Stalking isn’t romantic.
Harassment isn’t brave.
People don’t owe other people anything.
There are no excuses for shitty behaviour.
I cba to go into this one.
Short version – women are not men and don’t have male libido, even porn stars aren’t really into it/you.
It’s stupid to assume all women are coy like some 19th century Austen novel and further, coyness is lying. Coy women don’t sleep with you. It is exclusive from sluttiness. Sluttiness is anti-coy. But I guess that wouldn’t make porn as fun to watch.
There’s no such thing as playing hard to get. You’re either hard to get or easy.
Imagine if we flipped it and said everything men do, they do for female attention and approval. Good career? Wants to attract a good woman. Nice car? He can’t appreciate cars for themselves, it must be to get women. Nice body? He doesn’t care for his health, it’s all about us. It’s incredibly narcissistic and spoiled to assume the choices of others have ANYTHING to do with you.
It’s also sexist to assume that clothing choices based on temperature e.g. male shirtlessness, female mini-skirts, or other practicality, have anything to do with their moral character.
Adult men have no excuse to think as stupidly as teenage boys.
They want an excuse for their actions, they want someone else to blame.
I don’t have anything much to add to this except to say that I do really appreciate the article. It is frustrating to deal with guys who simply refuse to accept ‘no’ as an answer, because there is no way to ‘really’ refuse once ‘no’ is off the table. Short of fleeing the scene, what the f**k can you say?
That’s the point. It’s a trap.
They think if they can rationalize it, it isn’t rape and you’re the ‘crazy’ one.
Ahh, gaslighting again. Notice how this often crops up with the shit of the species? Because obviously, it can never be sociopath/borderline/plain jerk’s fault. You know, the consequences of his actions. Like a man. You push him away, kick him, bite, scream or punch him? You’re a crazy bitch! But him initiating physical action goes unmentioned. It ‘doesn’t count’ as assault, in his mind, because his consent to your body over-rides your human rights. They never mention what they did just before and claim not to see anything wrong – but they don’t mention it unless forced. This is why they rarely harass women in the company of other men – they know it’s wrong and fear punishment for the crime. This is why they usually stop hassling a girl if she says ‘I have a boyfriend’ (women have to lie to be left alone, minding their own business alone, in public. In the West). They’re cowards trying to exert control over others, women are simply the sex less physically equipped to defend ourselves.
They think No means Yes and Get Lost means Take Me I’m Yours – a Disney cartoon figured this out.
They don’t really think that, they’re pushing their luck and the boundaries of the law.
No means No because that’s literally the line. That’s the legal line we shouldn’t have to reach when there are other forms of rejection men are willfully blind to. It’s been proven men assume sexual interest where there is none. It’s a defect in their programming. However, ignoring many indicators to the contrary (emotional intelligence) isn’t an excuse. Women are people, first and foremost, and respect should be given when asking anyone for anything, since you are in the position of desire and need them to oblige you.
The whole tone of that article is a theme I call Poor Men, via Women.
How enlightened, feminist guy.
You’ve gone from acting like a black guy (where all this ‘sexual culture’ comes from) to just a plain misogynist, who can’t understand that women aren’t billboards for male attention. via People is terribly dehumanizing as a message.
It isn’t about you.
It isn’t about you.
It isn’t about you.
Assumptions make a what?
The feminists do the opposite, like Emma Watson signalling Poor Women, via Men. Still wrong, still sexism. You don’t self-actualize or seek attention/sympathy via the opposite sex. Or any other people, really. Your business is yours, not every stranger who piques your fancy.
We seem to have a form of sexual politics like consensus reality. There’s no such thing as consensus morality. Let’s assume coercion doesn’t apply for a moment. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Two people can agree to something, doesn’t make it less wrong. Evil can be mutually agreed. So no, getting a Yes doesn’t get you off the hook for what you choose to do with your own body.