If I could write a leaflet for the planes incoming

Dear dopey tourists,

                               English people are more polite to you, the more we hate your guts. No, we don’t think you’re ‘one of us’, stop being so creepy. You’re not English. Magic dirt isn’t real. They’re being polite because you’re snowflakes about everything and it’s the same logic as appeasing a crazy on the bus. Just enjoy your holiday and leave quietly. Nobody asked for you to be here and it’s insulting to larp. Tea isn’t a big deal here, Hollywood lies. Claiming you’re English because you ‘love’ tea is utterly stupid. You look stupid, please stop. Tea exists on most continents. You think we’re wimps because we have doilies. Your rugby involves padding for your precious manchildren. You don’t really want to move here, the Anglo West is not actually nice, we’re just polite. The nicer we are, the more we probably hate you – we’re just a deeply sarcastic people.

Did you really think we liked strangers? Which country has ever liked strangers? Honestly?

We humour you like children because you throw spoiled tantrums if we treat you like adults, as the response to this note shall likely provoke.

Also, nobody cares if you’re offended. The bleeding hearts are mocking you, they’re ‘winding you up’. In fact, we silently enjoy the amateur hysterics of a mantrum or the meltdown of a Trigglypuff. If everything we do offends you, get out of our country. Yes, ours. Sod off.

All our sincerest apathy for your existence,


      actual English people

       aka not the London traitor wankers we all hate.

If everything in London but the museums fell into the ocean, nothing of value would be lost.

p.s. if you complain about this country whatsoever, we’re all thinking you should shut up and leave. That’s what stiff upper lip means. The London wankers are conning you out of your money, they don’t actually agree. They think you’re retarded. You all laugh at Mr Collins in Pride & Prejudice, but this is how we view foreigners trying to fit in here.

p.p.s. The black cab drivers are the only ones who might tell you the truth, but this is 50/50.

1. Be civil. 2. Be logical or fair. 3. Do not bore me.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s