Karen is Mrs Grundy

British Karen claims to be British, not English, but hates being British despite using the colonial term, and reads the Guardian to signal she’s ‘not like other girls’ and ‘not like other whites’. She is an honorary non-white, in her mind, and will call everyone else bigoted for polite disagreement with the opinions she clearly ripped off from a journalist. British Karen derides plastic but has a twice a day Starbucks habit and never met a polyester dress she didn’t like. All her fashion packages come in five layers of the stuff, because the companies are going ‘green’ by using cheaper, weaker packaging, rather than cardboard boxes. British Karen is a part-time vegan, long-term insufferable windbag constantly complaining about what everyone else is eating due to her own body dysmorphia. In spite of seeing a therapist who secretly hates her, British Karen refuses to admit she may have an eating disorder. She complains about her entire family for not ‘being enough’. Her mood fluctuates with her weight and woe betide the poor SOB who encounters her in a fat mood, or as she calls it, ‘bloated’. She has been bloated for about a decade now. British Karen uses canvas bags shipped to her door from ebay in ten layers of the finest Chinese plastic and since she keeps misplacing them, needs to keep repurchasing from the intercontinental oil tankers, all in the name of ‘reducing her carbon footprint’. British Karen attends dinner parties with pricey alcohol and nibbles – mostly meat and cheese, and has no objection to their carbon heavy nature (alcohol included) because they are free and it would be ‘rude not to’. British Karen pretends she shops mostly at Waitrose by using their bags when she’s really more of the average Sainsburys customer. She claims to be working-class despite living in a lily-white middle-class ‘community’ where she feels no fear of stabbing. British Karen claims to be colour-blind but calls all brown children ‘refugees’ in totally real stories that actually happened, because it’s moral to judge the citizenship of people by looking at them. British Karen is opposed to slavery but owns a smartphone made by children, which she uses to tell people that the Victorians buying cotton were just as racist and evil as the plantation owners themselves, if not worse. British Karen frequently dines in exotic restaurants where food is prepared by exotic chefs using exotic recipes, illegally working in the country after being held here by traffickers who claim they now owe a debt and must work it off. The international legal books call this slavery but British Karen calls it the globalist economy. British Karen similarly ’employs’ a series of nannies, drivers and other ‘staff’ helpers and prefers they be of similar exotic descent, because they’re ‘better workers’ and ‘willing to do jobs the white people won’t’. British Karen doesn’t officially employ these people at the legal minimum wage, but nobody challenges this. British Karen is offended by the implication she’d be forced to raise her own spawn, but calls motherhood her most ‘rewarding work’, as she over-sees the sprog handing-off process between various brown ‘nannies’ when they’re not being raped at a distant boarding school. British Karen would say ‘boys will be boys’ because she doesn’t believe men can be raped, since she considers all boys part of the Patriarchy oppressing her, personally. British Karen will turn any daughter into a slutty, angry alcoholic to ’empower her’ and complain any son is distant and ‘unavailable’ to listen to her First World Problems, like the shops having no organic quinoa. Imagine her suffering! Her favourite spread is hummus because it feels foreign to her and reminds her of Greece, a country she doesn’t consider white because of their tan. She calls them continentals, broadly, and appreciates their ‘culture’ as clearly superior to her own, which she denies is her own. British Karen gets an orange spray tan but claims you cannot be a chav unless you’re poor and ideally living on a council estate. British Karen also has greyish ashy barely blonde hair, in a choppy cut that accentuates her manjaw. British Karen chugs coffee like a fish drinking water but claims to be confused as to the cause of her omnipresent ‘anxiety’, for which she suffers sleepless nights and hormonal imbalances. British Karen wears cakey thick make-up in a matchy orange tone she calls ‘bronze’, likely by Charlotte Tilbury. British Karen gets botox but claims chemicals are bad for you and she’s avoiding them by buying organic. She claims to be aging naturally through a taut corpse-like grimace and dead-eyed, unblinking stare. She hasn’t frowned fully since 2002. British Karen is a strong independent white woman who expects the men present to always pick up the tab, even when she invited them and chose the restaurant. If not, she will insist on ‘splitting’ with everyone present, despite being the only one to order three alcoholic beverages in the course of one hour. British Karen has prosecco meme stationery and thinks her true personality only comes out when she is drunk, since gin is so ‘fancy’. Somewhere she has an expensive candle collection nobody is allowed to use, at least one in the vague shape of a prickly pineapple. British Karen is very quick to question your motives for moral propriety, but refuses to go to church, seeing as how she spends Sunday mornings hung over and nobody ‘important’ will be there. British Karen is spiritual but not religious, meaning she bought a few crystals once and likes to talk about people’s ‘unhelpful’ energy when they dare disagree with her. Her vision boards must contain pictures of Hitler because she finds Nazis wherever she goes. Everyone except British Karen is a bigot, definitions be damned. British Karen speaks for and translates for everyone as if they were babies. She is also telepathic, knowing what you ‘really think’ whether you’re male, female, black, brown, white, hetero or homosexual. She is judge, jury and executioner in all moral disputes, because the newspaper people would never lie to us. British Karen does not know the meaning of propaganda.
British Karen is a spiteful mutant, who likes babies when asked but hates spending any length of time with her own. She definitely has a secret mumsnet account. Everyone is privileged except for her. She is special. She is without sin. It’s the other adults who are ‘problematic’, literally everyone else must be corrected and she won’t rest until she tells you how damaged you are, in the name of empathy.

She’s Karen to her friends, but that’s Mz Grundy to you.

1. Be civil. 2. Be logical or fair. 3. Do not bore me.

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