Lovebombing in romantic connections

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201703/the-manipulative-partners-most-devious-tactic

This isn’t news and I’ve mentioned it before.

The article mentions narcissists and sociopaths as typical predators who use this technique.

Yes, it’s also a PUA one.

However, many sociopaths are actually misdiagnosed borderlines and male borderlines try to control when their fear of abandonment kicks in. In effect, the lovebombing is a bribe – how can you leave me after all I did for you?

Sounds a little better when they re-tell it than:
I won’t let you leave!
We’ll be together forever!*

They miss out their long list of conditions, “*as long as you put up with my…..”.

That’s not love, folks.

It’s just a form of compulsive lying.

It uses romance (courtship gestures, that have requirements, they aren’t empty displays like Americans think) to get close to a person, in their head actually.

They’re the guys who went around claiming to be Nice, when they really mean – manipulating with flowers, like the classic deadbeat husband that buys flowers every time he cheats. It’s the reason women are suspect to ‘nice’ guys. If they’ve gotta tell ya… force that belief in through a wedge… our EQ kicks in.
Their defense is flawless, to other parties, the fault lies with you for rejecting their affection – what’s wrong with you? Society tells you these displays are always wanted, good and sincere. Well, Disney tells us that, it teaches us romance is guileless.

Ha.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201707/6-common-traits-narcissists-and-gaslighters

It’s a type of gaslighting, forcing certain beliefs into them.

i.e.

If they’re your soulmate, surely you don’t have to convince them?

If you have a long future to look forward to, then you’ll be around to plan it, you don’t need to keep mentioning it?

It’s cult behaviour but between two people.

You believe this, yes? You believe this because We believe this.

Note one party loses their identity but the other gets to retain their individuality, full freedoms and gain a newfound sense of control over the other…. that isn’t love, that’s slavery.

Video: Virgin before marriage or not?

Literally the best video I’ve ever seen on this topic.

Pair bonding is chemical and sex-based.

That glue is meant to be for marriage and pair bonding is impaired in both sexes.

The haters will be jealous you aren’t rushing to the divorce courts.

Cheating risk is lower too.

It’s all around better.

I disagree with the idea that she isn’t superior. Morally, she is superior. She demonstrated the virtue of chastity, that makes her superior. She just doesn’t use it as an excuse to treat normal people like dirt, which is arrogance.

Related.

Age gap marriages unhappy

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/marriages-large-age-gaps-less-satisfied-study-relationships-sex-men-women-older-younger-a7877161.html

Thanks, Dr Obvious.

“What did surprise researchers was that women who married to older husbands were also deeply unsatisfied whilst those who married younger men were far more content.”

probability the researcher surprised was male? 100%

because a woman who doesn’t want ED and other age-related problems, who wants a virile husband who can protect her, that’s just sexist!

how dare the sexes be different and want different but actually the same things?

less BS

which is common with-

younger spouses

quelle surprise

it doesn’t discuss sexual spoilage, namely, that if you’re spoiled, you’ll never be truly satisfied with one person, who has many limits and isn’t the best at everything you’ve had

ah, the wages of sin

Traditionally, spouses are similar age and both young.

Exceptions exist for the wealthy because so many of them died.

This very subject was a common theme of paintings. One party was under duress.

Link: Gaslighting in marriage – why it’s wrong

It isn’t purely men that do this but in a marriage, I’ve never heard of a woman doing it.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2016/01/20-situations-in-which-men-gaslight-women/

Those ‘redpill husbands’ claiming this is prosocial domination are covering for their antisocial, divorce-causing behaviour.

In a 1998 study of 130 newlywed couples designed to explore predictors of divorce or marital stability, marriage researcher and author Dr. John Gottman and colleagues, labeled this observed behavior of husbands — as “bat-em-back” — due to the force with which husbands automatically acted to cut off any attempts of wives to influence. To the researchers, this intentional behavior was likened to that of a baseball player at the plate, ever ready to “bat” a home run.

This and subsequent studies found that a husband’s “refusal to accept influence from his wife” — in effect, gaslighting — is highly predictive of divorce. On the bright side, findings also showed that a husband’s “acceptance of influence from his wife” is even more predictive of a stable and happy marriage.

Essentially he’s depriving her of her role, refusing to allow her to support him.
Well, if you didn’t want support, why aren’t you single?
If you hate the feminine, why legally and spiritually bind yourself to it?

Are the abusers honest about this fact? No.
Never. They’d lose control. You cannot cooperate with someone who wants to destroy you.
They don’t care about the marriage bond and they certainly don’t care about the other spouse.
In Biblical terms, they are letting the team down on the cherish part of the vow.

Naturally, the problem here is not male partners, rather the social conditioning that trains men to anxiously feel they have to prove masculinity on the basis of how different they are from women — and in general that means avoiding the “soft” stuff their female partners want, such as romance, nonsexual touch, doing things she wants or likes (without feeling emasculated), etc.

Anyone who does that whipped sound, you can tell they’re bad with women.
Love is a verb. Do or do not do.

Culturally speaking, we don’t trust that a baby boy will grow to become a man in the same way that an acorn becomes an oak tree. We expect men to be on guard throughout their lives to prove they are the “real” thing, and not “sissies” or “gay” and the like. And men’s fears are real; everyone is “watching,” male and female, ready to shame them to get back on track. (This shaming has intensified in last two decades.)

As Ali notes, gaslighting is a result of social conditioning rooted in a set of beliefs regarding gender roles and masculinity, such as that:

  • Women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight.

  • Women’s wants should not be treated as legitimate.

  • Men should never express regret when their actions have caused pain.

aka psychopath

Who doesn’t want to live with a psycho?

Geez, no wonder they divorce the bastard.

If they really believed any of those false beliefs, they would never, ever marry.
They’d rather die on the end of a shotgun.

I don’t think the men who do this realize – if we brought back fault-divorce, men would lose because dissolution is normally their fault. It’s a failure of EQ on their part. That’s also why they refuse therapy, they don’t want to change, like a toddler. They’d rather hurt/weaken or lose the spouse.

“Hamstering” explained as bullshit;

Because women are conditioned to collaborate and empathize, this tactic can send a woman’s brain into an exhaustive wheel-spinning mode of explaining, complaining, crying, begging, pleading, etc. (and women’s socialization leaves them more susceptible …),  and deceive a man’s brain into making several false, misleading (and unfortunate) conclusions.

Victim blaming, hilarious. Note that they’re fine around normal people though. It’s mere proximity to the loser who feels the need to throw around diagnoses like a Munchausen by Proxy (Woe is me because of them) that’s the real issue.

For one, they interpret the effectiveness of this thought control tactic to silence their partner’s voice as “proof” of men’s superiority, rightful dominance, strength and intelligence compared women’s, etc., and thus get tricked into relying on a tactic that harms their relationship, and gradually pushes their partner away.

They crave attention, spew bullshit, get what they wanted – but it’s the woman’s fault?
Amazing magic trick.
The dumbass doesn’t know he’s conditioning women not to provide him affection.

That’s a level of retard I’ve never seen.

In truth, gaslighting is a major obstacle to forming a healthy, vibrant couple relationship — emotional intimacy. For most female partners, for example, a failure to build emotional intimacy often means a gradual loss of interest in sex.

Literally the manosphere.

Women don’t want me – how is this their fault?

But while discussing their relationships, you can never, ever talk about them.

Guess the common factor.

Guess the problem.

Europeans have always married in their 20s

Using my own country as an example, link other data if you have it.

I already covered the historical norm of spouses within a couple of years of one another.

This is what K-types do, get established then select a mate.
Both sexes are most fertile but least stupid in the twenties. Thank the frontal lobes.
K-types need time before they marry to mature, lest they overbreed or starve their offspring from lack of resources.

http://www.ceda.berkeley.edu/Publications/pdfs/rlee/British%20Population%20in%20the%2018th%20c.pdf

The 20th century is the outlier here. With easy divorce, they married earlier and divorced earlier, to get married more often.
Trump, for example. Yet the re-marriage problem isn’t even addressed, let alone called a sin.
By self-proclamed traditionalists, who believe in marriage. Sure, Jan.

It would be great if Americans stepped out of their bubble and learned real history instead of the BS their schools lead them to believe. I have to keep correcting errors that would embarrass a child. Boomer Professors LIED. Their normal is NOT normal!

Update: it seems they changed the link. CEDA Berkeley British population data.

They keep doing this to my links.

Whatever, I tried.

Ideal age to marry?

http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2009-August/004039.html

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3437253/

..Would you look at that?

The medieval range of mid-twenties, which also happens to be when women are most fertile and men are fertile but capable of self-control (both bodies and cortices are finally matured).

” The greatest indicated likelihood of being in an intact marriage of the highest quality is among those who married at ages 22-25″

“However, the findings do suggest that most persons have little or nothing to gain in the way of marital success by deliberately postponing marriage beyond the mid twenties.”

They’re going to marry someone else. Dating is like musical chairs and after 30 the options are grim.

The 20s are neurobiologically intended to equip you for parenthood.
You can’t waste them.
For a relatively good breakdown: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/02/05/dont-waste-your-20s-train-your-brain-for-lasting-success/

You find the right person? You put a ring on it.
That sort of thing doesn’t happen twice in a lifetime.
Obviously, you need to be self-improving and on the lookout for the One in the first place.