Video: Spare feelings, save conflict

Well this is bullshit. False dichotomy much?
Polite is not correct or nice. Frank is not wrong or nasty. Feelings or facts, as seen?
Honest people aren’t rude. Hurting feelings is not rude, that’s a fool’s definition. Rudeness breaches a social code, agreed upon. If others disagree, such that you impose your own rules, there is no breach on their part, but possibly on yours. Force is rude, forcing people to accommodate your personal whims is rude. Honest people force the liars from their bubble, that is not rude, actually it’s a public service. Someone has to do it.
Polite people aren’t liars. They are naturally gentle and follow rules to avoid coarseness, not the truth, which they can handle with adroitness. If there’s a nice way to correct someone, they will. But polite people can be harsh, if need be or if treated poorly, as correction. The polite do not censor but treat with manners those who deserve them, rather than coming in unprepared.
Insincere people are neither honest nor polite, they are users of others playing off both groups. A third group. According to etiquette, the insincere are worse as liars than the possible rudeness of honesty. False modesty?
The other two demonstrate conscientiousness in different ways. The polite person treats you well for no reason or against reason, the frank person treats you as an equal, as a mark of respect, to even out any reason based on your true status for communication’s sake.
Due to class, the middle thinks it’s being nice when everyone else sees it being patronizing. Is it any wonder etiquette fell out of favour as the middle class grew? They love holding people to different standards and secretly bitching behind your back. The truly polite do not do this, forgiving any errors, nor do the frank, who will admit problems to resolve them. The middle class allow them to fester for gossip fodder.
Frank people expect frankness to save time and signal this by going first. Consideration is honesty. They must get things done and get along openly. Ego is accurate based on ability. People are adults and should be open to criticism if they deserved it. Doing your job is the minimum, nothing special. Duty doesn’t deserve special compliment and you won’t use them for special treatment either, pay with cash, not words. Learn by doing, not by hearing about it.
Polite people are shy and expect a slow drawn-out assessment based on subtle hinting but also mixed signals. Consideration is avoiding bad blood and conflict, including deniable mistakes. They must get along, whatever individualism threatens it. Opinions threaten vital reputation, needed for getting along with others. Awkwardness makes their subtle games difficult. Ego is based on what is nice and understated. People are soft and should be treated like children, which is as insulting as it sounds. Butter people up to get the reaction you want. They make up pointless rules to make themselves look better than the people too busy working to indulge in it. Their praise, even where false, changes lives, about as arrogant as it sounds. Polite people hedge, and liars do too. Tact is frank and polite.
“Your mother is a frequent lover.”
Notice how politics shares a root with polite and presumes its own correctness based on a popularity model, needed in democracy? The world doesn’t need more PC.

Also of interest
The douche in disguise. The fake nice guy (nice people are nice for it’s own sake, not as emotional blackmail). Beware of the over-agreeable, they don’t really agree with anything. Over-niceness is repressed rage, it’ll come out somehow. What a man is attracted to sexually is his true self, projected onto the partner.
Ayn Rand said “A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions…. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”
Also “People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I’ve learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one’s reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one’s master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person’s view requires to be faked…The man who lies to the world, is the world’s slave from then on…There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all.”

Beware the betrayal of the overly polite

lifehack.org/359226/science-says-you-need-wary-overly-polite-people-heres-why

The Annual Meeting of the Association for Computational Linguistics in Beijing (AMACL) just released their findings that those who are“excessively polite” are considerably more likely to betray peers or comrades than those who are not effusively polite. The researchers at AMACL engaged in an in-depth study of Diplomacy, a strategy-oriented game in which players simulate pre-WWI Europe.

…As it turned out, there emerged rock-solid examples of betrayal that AMACL observed in their report. Perhaps most shockingly, the scientists discovered one of the most predictable signs of imminent backstabbing is sudden changes in conversational tone. Conversations would morph from average or uneventful to contain “patently evident positive sentiment, structured discourse and overt politeness”.

remember this when we're beyond all hope

We always knew.

lifehack.org/307945/10-signs-that-youre-dating-emotional-psychopath

1. They Lack Empathy

2. They Lie All the Time

3. They Humiliate You in Front of People

4. They Crave Attention but Don’t Give Any

5. They Always Place the Blame on You

6. They Isolate You

7. They Blackmail You

8. They Never Show Remorse

Despite all of the bad things they do – and the frequency with which they hurt you – emotional psychopaths rarely show remorse. The words “I’m sorry” aren’t in their vocabulary, no matter the situation. In fact, they’re more likely to try and convince you that the problems in your relationship are your fault.

called gaslighting

9. They Have a Sadistic Sense of Humor

Everyone has a different sense of humor, but emotional psychopaths are on their own level. They find humor in things that most people find unlawful or disgusting. While it may only seem strange at first, it evolves over time and becomes creepy and disturbing.

10. They are Extremely Charming at Times

And they wonder why they’re single.

Link: Politesse, Briton to American

http://www.oldmagazinearticles.com/poet-robert-nichols#.Vs4zU_mLTZ6

When Americans insult me for rare candor, I must laugh. You beg for the truth and complain when it’s served. It would be unwise to expect your cultural forebears to have the same equitable spirit that formed your union.

We will either tell you a thing or refuse to comment. Never complain, never explain?

The middle class lie. They think they’re subtle.

Women notice how you treat the rest of us

My best friend confessed his love for me but I can't love him back because of the way he's treated other girls.  

https://whisper.sh/js/embed.js

This is very common and often a hidden factor in women supposedly ‘leading men on’ with polite affection or ‘friendzoning’ that doesn’t seem to make sense. She’s seen how you behave in a romantic context and she doesn’t know that person. She doesn’t even like that person. One of the few times 2 ladders theory comes in. She ignores it when you’re just friends but when you try to herd her into that other pen, where, as she sees it, you’re mistreating women like animals or treating them as less than human, she’s smart to say no thanks. Probably one of the things you like about her is her self-respect.

We aren’t lemmings and we aren’t as stupid as (some of) you seem to think we are. At least on social matters. If a woman lets on though, or tries to explain, she gets accused of being manipulative, when it’s social intelligence. It’s the way most women are, it’s our thing, in fact we’re being honest and a deceptive person never would be. The guys who get defensive like that are digging their own social live’s graves. Since again, all the other women are watching him react and wonder why he doesn’t get it.

Men do not appreciate this fact (that women note down all the ways you’ve treated her sex in the past, like a man noting which of his female friends is the easiest lay or the most feminist) and can be quite shocked when it comes back to bite them later, when she based a decision based on this supposedly ‘unfair’ information. Women are social creatures. It’s like seeing if a man is good with children, animals or the waiter. Or whether he has nice shoes. All of these seemingly random things are trying to infer future treatment. 

It’s easy to fake being decent now, but in a week? In a month? In a year? She’s sorting out the time wasters.

A good friend can be a bad boyfriend. The men themselves object to this as shallow (nothing to do with looks) when it’s simply an acknowledgement that they’re better in one social role than another. Better behaved. It can seem like, when the standards are higher (relationship) and the situation more intimate, they can regress and become brattish and even the parents of toddlers find them high-maintenance. The adult men do this because they figure they’re always in control and the woman can never leave (like their own mother) despite how it’s a tester for a marriage and they’re failing badly. It should be the other way around and the person should get better to know the more intimate you are, this is mature. A person should be the best at their core. If they never mature, you get middle-aged men who still think they should be able to get away with the same callous behavior of a 15-year old. When his relationships keep failing, he’ll always blame the women, especially the bitches who dared to leave him (when they gave him a chance, tried to correct him and realized he’s a hopeless case).

I think this is what women used to mean they spoke of ‘nice guys’ but the wires got crossed and came to mean indecisive pushover (it doesn’t) when used. If he isn’t nice (as a non-sexual person in any context) after he has no further use for you, he isn’t nice. He was never nice. He was probably the inverse, totally fake and manipulative. And I bet he hates children and animals and waiters and others who can see through him.

A lot of men seem to think they have a free pass on their single actions because future women or other female prospects will just discount it. Nope, that’s what men do (boys will be boys is spoken by patient men who matured out of that stage). If you treat other women badly, or have done enough to get a reputation or some stories out there, it will put off women who were otherwise on the fence, like at the initial impressions stage and they might only see you as a friend or badly behaved brother-type at best, where you feel like you have to keep explaining yourself to other women (why do you hang out with him?) and explaining away his bad behaviour like he’s a child (Little Timmy only broke the window because he’s bored). It’s quite disgusting to imagine you’d be treated that way in future once the novelty has worn off, and this goes most of all for cheats. Once a cheat, always a cheat. The only type of woman that is OK with it is also a cheat. It seriously messes up their long-term prospect in the same way as a slut becomes unlikely mother of your children material.

You can’t erect a red flag or few and wonder why people avoid you.

Naturally, we rarely discuss this with men who tend to take it too personally (you’re judging me when we’re just friends???) since it never happens in male friendships (because they’re all the same sex) and it’s alien territory (it’s just how women work, son) so we try to hint with the nice guy stuff or making it really obvious by asking how you treat your sister or mother (women you have nothing to gain from sexually). Even in jest.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

superman drinking give up nope

Hope this made sense.

p.s. This is why women walk around in groups aside from physical safety. It’s like the crow’s nest in war films or when soldiers stand back-to-back to get a 360 degree view. To watch what, do you think?

When is it worth saying something controversial?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-do-life/201411/when-is-it-worth-saying-something-controversial

Here are 11 things that many people think but don’t say. As a thought experiment, ask yourself whether and under what circumstances you might want to let ‘er rip?

  • You’re so rude. You don’t answer my emails or phone calls.
  • Boss (or supervisee), you’re the worst! You’re (choose one or more: stupid, lazy, dishonest.)
  • What in the world are we going to do with the 175 million people with an IQ under 100 in our information-age global economy in which ever more jobs are going to require high-level reasoning and learning ability? I see The Revolution coming.
  • You’re a hypocrite. You call yourself an environmentalist but live in a big environmentally wasteful house and drive a gas guzzler.  Or you claim to celebrate diversity but live in a neighborhood and send your kids to a school with few African-Americans and Latinos.
  • America is driven by marketing, dishonest politicians, and biased media. Ugh.
  • I applied for a job and you didn’t even give me the dignity of a rejection letter?! You left me hanging forever?! You disgust me.
  • I’m tired of people who play victim.
  • I’m tired of people who call for teamwork so they can slack.
  • You stupid materialist: You work at a job you don’t like just so you can have a fancy address, drive a Mercedes that’s three times as expensive as a Toyota and requires more service and repair, and you wear designer-label clothes that make you a walking billboard for a corporation and for conspicuous consumption.
  • You’re going to an art or music college? That’s a bizarrely priced four-to-six-year summer camp pretending to be a college that prepares you to make a living in an artistic career. Besides, you have no talent.
  • I’m tired of all the taxes and societal focus on those with the greatest deficits rather than on the best and brightest, who have far greater potential to contribute to humankind.
  • Life has no meaning. We’re insignificant specks unable to move the needle. So let’s just break out the booze.

The bolded are the ones that stand out to me, good topic material. We can do something about those.